I really shoul blog more often. I have a lot to blog about – actually so much that it’s totally overwhelming to start. I’ve passed my one year on testosterone and will probably go to Thailand for surgery within a year. I have kind of a job – a very interesting transactivist-job. And I found a boyfriend – the most wonderful man on earth. No, I didn’t hit him in his head and drag him back to my cave. I am not that violent and I tried to be more subtile than my instincts told me to.

He has met my daughter and my parents (interesting sociological experiment, you know I love those). And it all went well. Did I say that he is the most wonderful person on earth? I did? Oh, well. Now you might see why I’m not blogging very much these days. To put it blunt: He fucks my brain out, not just literally. I have never been so in love with anyone, ever.

So I leave blogging for another time. Don’t hold your breath, but please step by once in a while.

It is kind of funny, but I guess I have a strange sense of humour.

I recently got a letter from the GID clinic explaining that they have done nothing wrong in denying me diagnosis and treatment. They still won’t accept me as a man. As expected, but still a bad christmas gift.

I am visiting my parents’ and today I went to church with them. My father is a reverend out in the countryside. After church, a woman came up to me and said “You must be the reverend’s son. You look so much like him” and introduced herself.

Later, while I was outside smoking, a man walking his dog stopped and started talking to me. I soon realised that he was mistaking me for my father, but had only seen him at a distance.

I feel like I am at a turning point. It is still more important to me to be seen as male, than vanity regarding my age. But I feel that it is about to change. I know I look a lot like my father, but I am not happy to be mistaken for him. After all he is 24 years older. I guess the man didn’t know that. At least I hope so.

(I am not very fond of  the word passing and usually use it in an ironic sense.)

It is supposed to be the best in the world. I you get sick, you have the right to treatment and only have to pay little of it. If you pay most of the travel, you can choose hospital. Unless you have an illness that is rare. Then it is only possible to get treatment at one place. There might be just one doctor in the country who is allowed to treat you. So what if ze doesn’t want to treat you? Then you are screwed.

Private health services are increasing in Norway, but they are not allowed to treat transsexualism. If you get treatment, you get it from surgeons with less experience than in most countries, bacause Norway is a small one.

The social security will cover surgery if you have breast cancer and need new boobs. They will not cover removing what is left.

If your back hurts because of big breasts, you can get the surgery to reduce them covered, as long as there is still something left. If your back hurts because you are trying to hide your breasts bacause you want to be seen as the man you identify as, the surgery will not be covered. Unless you are one of the lucky ones who get along with the only doctor in Norway who is allowed to affirm manhood.

Today I’ve been on testosterone for five months. I will have a really hard time gettng the surgery that I need. I am just a poor writer. I guess I just have to trust the state lottery to win the fortune I need for surgery.

I took the interview at excloset.wordpress.com, so now you can read about my coming out at http://excloset.wordpress.com/2008/10/10/tarald-stein/

At least in my testosterone levels, way more than normal for a nontrans-man. That may explain why I got my period back when I increased my testosterone to full dose. So I decided to reduce my dose by half. I also got thyroid problems again. I got hyperthyreosis after I gave birth to my daughter four years ago, got treatment and was pronounced well again two years ago.

I fear that the endocrinologist will tell me to stop T. I have no intention to do that.

I’ve now been on T for 4 months and 4 days. My body is a lot hairier, but very little in the face. My hairline is not withdrawing. I don’t want to loose my hair, just want to have a male hairline. My facial skin is rougher and makes me look more male.

The only doctor who could help me get my operations has got a warning from the health authorities and may loose his license if he continues to help people. I’m very sad because of this. Now my only hope is that my complaint against the GID-clinic will be heard, by the same authorities who believe in two and only two genders/sexes and that to remove breasts is a sin against humanity. Or something similar. I don’t understand their “reasoning”.

and I can’t say I miss it. This is apparently what they call “redistribution of fat”. Although I can’t se where it has migrated to. My legs has grown wider, but it seems like that is mostly muscles. Don’t know where they come from, as I haven’t exercised. My hips are also loosing fat. My jeans are suddenly too big.

This is not what I had expected. FIrst of all I didn’t thinkt the redistribution would happen so soon after starting T. Second; I thought that my thighs and hips would redistribute themselves to my stommack, but it is not bigger than it was. I also expected my damned boobs to shrink. That has not happened so far.

Strange then, that the GID-clinic (with the monopoly…) warned me that i would have to loose weight before starting hormones. They also require that one must be on hormones one year before top surgery, because the testosterone supposedly would decrease the size of the breasts.

After the refusal of diagnosis and treatment there, I have no idea of when I will get any surgery. I have asked for a better justification and issued a formal complaint. Last week I got a copy of the reminding letter to the clinic. So this will take time. I assume that I will have to get my surgery in unconventional ways, but I’m not sure how yet.

Until recently, I’ve believed that if the Norwegian Gender Clinic would just use the Standarsds of Care provided by WPATH, everything would be fine. I’ve thought that the SOC is ok. In my reading of the SOC I’ve only marked the parts that the gender clinic doesn’t follow.

Then I read Cedars post at Taking up too much space and realise that the SOC really can be used to defend the basic ideology at the gender clinic:

1)Procedures, not transition, not identity. There’s an almost universal assumption that these standards of care are in case a patients decides to “change hir mind” about transitioning. Putting aside of the implications of protecting trans people from themselves for a moment, transition regret is a red herring. No medical procedure can force you to live in a particular gender permanently. If I’ve been on estrogen for 10 years, have bottom surgery, facial surgery, the works, and decide I want to live as a man again? I start taking T, bind my tits, pack, and it’s no big deal. Yeah, it kinda sucks for me, but I’m not really any worse off than a female assigned at birth transsexual man (and, in fact, my situation would be remarkably similar to his).

–The point is, your informed consent is *not* about “being” a man or a woman (which no one can really truly understand in advance), it’s about the effects on your body (which, while variable, are fairly predictable). If I want an orchi, I need to be willing to take either estrogen or testosterone for the rest of my life, and be willing to either store sperm or not have more biological kids–and what gender I plan on living as in the future is fairly irrelevant.

This point is particularly salient if, like me, you transitioned before having any medical intervention. A doctor cannot prevent you from living as a particular sex by not providing treatment–a doctor can only increase the risks associated with doing so. Which is to say, if a doctor refuses medical therapies it’s not a matter of “correct diagnosis” as it is so commonly framed by SOC apologists, it’s not a matter of refusing transition but a matter of refusing treatment known to reduce associated health risks such as discrimination, murder, and harassment. Trans people who don’t transition when refused medical treatments are managing their health risks as best they can in the absence of basic medical care, something no one should have to do.

3)Boundaries, mental health, abuse, and control–

The SOC are damaging to trans people’s mental health and growth, particularly in the setting of boundaries. Normally, one can say ‘what you just did to me was fucked up, you can’t do that or I just won’t be in a relationship with you; I have other options,’ but through the SOC therapists and doctors create a unified front through which to drastically reduce your options. They create a power relationship with you where you can’t say ‘no’, where you can’t keep the most fundamental control of your body and person to yourself. Medical professionals have the power to protect you from violence, and by withholding it until certain standards are met they use the threat of violence to maintain immense power to determine what you can and can’t do with your life, your body, and your appearance; they also take advantage of the intense emotional pain of body dysphoria to do the same thing. Even if individual professionals do not intend to impose rigorous standards on a person’s gendered actions, the fact remains that the institutional power arrangement concentrates power in the professional’s hands, power over things so basic to one’s body sovereignty and self-determination that one cannot afford to risk the potential consequences of rocking the boat. By creating a unified front, the SOC effectively force trans people to do what their provider wants them to do, without much hope that they could be held accountable. How are we preparing trans people to resist emotionally and physically abusive partners? Aren’t we telling trans folks that it’s ok for another person to control you, financially for instance telling someone that if they don’t have sex with you then you’ll kick them out of the house / they won’t get any spending money next month / etc? The SOC constitute direct abuse, a mix of sexual, emotional, physical, and financial or something separate but equally abusive…

I agree! And I want to thank Cedar for making me think new thoughts. I still think it would help transpeople in Norway a great deal if the gender clinic would use the SOC, but it still wouldn’t be perfect.

I sweat more than I used to, and it stinks.

That’s what he said. And it came casually, like it wasn’t directed at me specifically. But I think it was. Not that I had come on to him or anything. Yes, he is good looking, but that attitude; that of course I want to have sex with him, is just a total turn-off to me. He had just told us about his new boyfriend, and there is now way I want to intrude on a happy monogamous relationship.

Since it came out so casually there was nothing I could say. I told myself that there was no need to feel hurt. He just revealed himself as a big jerk. It had nothing to do with me. And I prefer people to spell things out, to be clear from the start. So really; no need to take it personal and get hurt.

I guess it hurts because I suspect that a lot of people feel the same way. It hits me in a soar spot that I’m not concidered “the real thing”, or at least my private parts isn’t, and that it is true. That’s the thing that hurts the most. And I guess it’s just something I have to accept and try to move on.

Time for the monthly update. I think this might be the last one, though. The changes just continues in the same path as the two previous months: Hair keeps growing on my stommack. Other things grow well too. My eyebrows are growing together.

I increased my dosage a month ago to full dose, 50 mg testogel each day. I don’t think the changes have speeded up bacause of it. It might even be a too high dosage for me.

New this month is that my facial hair is changing; getting stronger and darker, but just on the upper lip, on the sides. Shows that the testosterone is working and gives hope for the future, although I think it will take many years for me to grow a beard.

Also new, but not welcome, is the bleeding. With no expectation of a hysterectomi in near future, I almost hope that I’ve got something really bad that require removal of all internal female organs. I’m going to see a gynecologist probably next week. It is most likely that testosterone fucks up my hormone-contraception. The only reason to keep it in there is to avoid bleeding, so if that is not happening, then it probably would be best to remove it. Not looking forward to it!

I’ve asked my doctor to prescribe Nebido injections when my current prescription of testogel expires in ca. two months. I’m also trying to find out how I can get my mastectomy and hysterctomy.

Wish me good luck!