since I have been a lousy blogger, I’ve decided to merge this blog with my Norwegian blog. I hope that will encourage me to blog in English more often. I am sorry for the inconvenience, but I hope you will follow my trail to

Winter survived

I have sirvived the winter. Haven’t been blogging lately. My new book is out and have recieved good reviews.

I am still not over my love from last year, but the relationship ended in september. We don’t talk, we don’t meet, but all the same I still think of him as the man of my life. He doesn’t love me and I should get over him.

I have no work. I have good friends and a good family. My professional writing life is moving on. And I am a mess. I am trying to figure out why.

The breakup is a big part of it. Also the tiresome process of getting all the letters so I can go and have my operation in Thailand (removal of breasts, ovaries and uterus). The latest news is that I need a letter from a gynecologist stating that my female internal parts are healthy. I don’t understand why. And I am pissed for them bringing this up now.

I am so extremely tired of living in a personal gender-limbo. I have been since 2006, so maybe it is just natural to be tired. I am just not sure how long I can keep hanging in here. My energy is mostly at an all time low.

In preparation for my surgery (allthough the date is still in the blue), I have stopped taking my anti-depressants. It went better than expected. I am feeling more, writing more and much less stable. I can go from sitting on top of the world feeling like superman to being tired of it all and not seeing any point in going on. Exhausting.

I fear that my depressions and instability may not be related to my gender issues – that it is something I just have to live with for the rest of my life. It scares me. I also fear that the process of getting the neccessary treatment in regard to gender has hurt me permanently. In my dark moments I think my experience with the Norwegian gender clinic (GID-klinikken) has made me a worse person than I was. That it has destroyed my trust in people and institutions. That it has left me unable to show compassion. And so on. I am loosing hope despite the fact that a possible date of surgery is getting closer than ever. The feeling of hopelessness takes over. I am not sure there is a point to this. I am not sure if my existence makes a difference, or maybe it makes a difference to the worse.

I miss my ex-boyfriend. He is the one person I know who could drag me out of my selfish, self-made hell. I miss talking to him. I miss the sex. I miss seeing his beautiful face. I miss hearing his voice. I am not telling him this. If it should be possible for us at some point to be friends, I can’t tell him how I feel now.

I feel like shit for not feeling that my daughter is reason enough for living. But when I am really down I listen to the people who thinks that  having a transgender parent is hurtful to children. Even though I know it is not true. And besides; guilt is a lousy reason to stay alive. Guilt for how she would feel if I died is not enough to keep fighting to be her parent.

And there it is again: I am tired of fighting. I am tired of defending myself and my own rights. I wish someone would do it for me, but I know no one will. A part of me really wants to give up, call it a day.

But I think living is a (bad) habit that I have become too used to, maybe addicted. So I am not going to kill myself. Writing this blogpost is actually a sign of things getting better. The months from January to april is blurred in my mind. I have not been taking care of myself. Applications not written, reports not sent, bills payed very sloppy. So now when my energy is occationally somewhat higher, there is an economical mess to take care of and it overwhelms me.

And please; no sympathy. Strategies for dealing accepted. No expression of joy to be expected.

Help with structuring a collection of poetry – software?

I’ve been searchin the net for a long time without luck. So I’m hoping someone reading this blog have good ideas and recommendations. I am not sure if I need a dedicated software or just an application to Open Office.

What I need help with:

  • creating a list of short texts, preferably from the first line (my poems usually have no titles, usually don’t rhyme and is very short)
  • linked to the actual text
  • enable me to see a preview of the text (readable) without opening every document (if every poem has its own document) or use an extremely large letter size.
  • In the actual text I need to be able to format it like I do in Open Office or Word. The line spacing is especially important.
  • I would really love it if I also could tag my poems with themes and select every one with the same tag at once and move them.

I can’t find anything like that. It is possible that such a software do exist, maby made for another purpose, and that I just don’t realize that it can do the things I like it to. Please tell me!

An introduction – for my hypothetical english edition

The Norwegian last name Stein means stone and comes from a small farm on the west coast of Norway, where the first settlers found more stone than soil.

Tarald Stein is a Norwegian poet and transman – the first to write about transitioning from female to male in Norwegian.

In this english edition of the  first two of his collections of poetry, the poet has rearranged the poems and created a  new entity.

(Yes, I really want to do that some day and get my work published in a larger language. Any foreign publisher or agent reading this?)

Happiness ruins blogging

I really shoul blog more often. I have a lot to blog about – actually so much that it’s totally overwhelming to start. I’ve passed my one year on testosterone and will probably go to Thailand for surgery within a year. I have kind of a job – a very interesting transactivist-job. And I found a boyfriend – the most wonderful man on earth. No, I didn’t hit him in his head and drag him back to my cave. I am not that violent and I tried to be more subtile than my instincts told me to. Continue reading

Freshlycharles and Daedsider: Life Coaches for the New Trans Nation

I absolutely love this!

International meeting for transactivists

The 21th Biennal Symposium of the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) is held in Oslo June 17.-20. LLH has taken initiative to gather all the transpeople attending the conference. Time: Thursday June 18th at 6 pm Place: Nordal Bruns gate 22, central Oslo

Presentation of participants (short)
Open discussion of following topics:

WPATH in relation to activism
Standards of Care – working for or against transpeople?
Access to treatment
Strategies in trans-activism

I am afraid that this meeting can just scratch the surface of these topics, but hopefully we will be able to keep in contact during the conference and after to continue discussion. I know a lot of us will be very busy during these days, so we should do our best to keep the meeting short (1-2 hours).